Assertiveness and Body Language

By the 1970s, several psychologists researching assertiveness training had started to question whether verbal strategies were sufficient and to focus their attention also upon the non-verbal components of assertive behaviour. Alberti & Emmons, in the best-known textbook on assertiveness, Your Perfect Right, make it clear,

Many people view assertiveness as a verbal behaviour, believing that they must have “just the right words” to handle a situation effectively. On the contrary, we’ve found that how you express an assertive message is a good deal more important than what you say.

Although scripts of “what to say when…” are popular with many assertiveness trainers, that has never been our style. We’re primarily concerned with encouraging honsety and directness, and much of that message is communicated nonverbally. (Alberti & Emmons, 2001)

These authors were influenced by the Californian psychiatrist Michael Serber who became well-known for his research in this area of the assertiveness field. Mehrabian had conducted some research in the 1960s and 1970s that suggested non-verbal components of communication may be more important than what is said. Serber used well-established behaviour therapy principles and techniques to systematically train his patients in the non-verbal components of assertive behaviour. These methods include,

Role-modelling the desired behaviour by the therapist or an actor, for the client to imitate

Rehearsal of the desired behaviour by the client in progressively more challenging role-play exercises

Coaching from the therapist in shaping “successive approximations” to the ideal behaviour

Based on his extensive experience of training clients in this way, Serber found it helpful to distinguish between teh following components of non-verbal behaviour,

Loudness of voice. Are you shouting or speaking too quietly? Can you be heard from a normal distance?

Fluency of words spoken. Is there stammering or excessive pauses? Is speech “staccato” or flowing?

Eye-contact. Are eye-movements normal? Are the eyes being diverted or is there staring?

Facial expression. Does facial expression change? Does it match (congruence) with what is being said?

Body expression. Is body tense and rigid? Are gestures natural and appropriate to what is being said?

Distance/physical contact. Are you tending to stand too close or too far away? Are you observing normal body space?

Take a moment to consider a situation where you’d like to be more assertive (or like someone you’re helping to be more assertive) and give yourself marks out of ten for each of the six component skills above.

Serber found that it was best to clearly identify a specific problem situation for rehearsal. He also recommended that training should focus on one component skill at a time. Serber found it very helpful to video tape role-play sessions to be reviewed with the client, although this is not essential. A typical role-play would be set up as follows,

You have just met a prospective employer who is sitting behind his desk. He will act sympathetically toward you – smile, ask supporting questions, etc. It is your task in 3 minutes to begin a conversation with him and try to impress him with your qualifications for a (specific) job. (Serber, 1972)

Role-play sessions in assertiveness training typically last about 2-3 minutes and may only need to be done once but are more typically repeated 3-4, or more, times in a single session.

Serber introduced the clever method of “silent role-play” to help develop the crucial non-verbal components of assertiveness.

The trainee is told to use only his face and body to express his feelings and thoughts. He is requested to performa timed sample exercise (2-3 minutes) in a stated situation, without any vocalisation. This “silent movie” is then modeled for the trainee, and usually, after several trials, both facial and body expression may become more mobile and appropriate. (Serber, 1972)

Serber developed another exercise called “sell me something” in which he asked clients to try to persuade him of the value of some object, such as a watch, for about thirty seconds. (This is a bit like the notion of an “elevator pitch”.) With progress, clients may be asked to sell themselves, i.e., to persuade another person of their own strengths and good qualities. The challenge here is to find the right words, become familiar with saying them, and to make nonverbal behaviour consistent with the verbal message.

Selling something is a good exercise for developing assertiveness skills because it can be done many times, spontaneously, in naturally-occuring situations. For example, a client might learn to “sell” their favourite book, movie, television programme, or food, and speak persuasively to others about it when the opportunity arises. People often talk about their interests and preferences and it’s natural to contribute comments such as “I saw a great film the other week, the acting was superb, it had a real impact on me…” to a conversation.

Of course, it’s important not to oversell things, and it helps to keep things brief but congruent, and become an advocate for the things (or people) you actually do value or admire in life. This is good training for learning to sell yourself and speak congruently and positively about your own good qualities to other people, when it would be natural to do so.